Television

To the Watchers,

We have spent many years in each others’company. I have shared intimate moments
with each of you. I have witnessed secret tears, family rows and passionate romance.
I have fond memories of the cherished years when the children were young and of
happy Christmases where you gave me your undivided attention as you gathered with
relatives to watch ‘The Morcambe and Wise Christmas Show’ or ‘Reeves and
Mortimer' in later years. I was the best babysitter in the world and could keep the
children quiet for hours with my cartoon extravaganzas, The children often spent
more time with me than with their friends in the summer holidays. I used to think of
myself as a favourite Aunt or Uncle, Not a day went by when they didn’t come and
see me, They could sit for hours, with only a glass of lemonade and a jam sandwich.
Of course things became easier for you all with the advent of t.v dinners. l enjoyed
being part of the family at mealtimes and the microwave meant that you were able to
spend even more time with me than ever. I was overjoyed when you invested in those
t.v chairs so that you could all put your feet up and watch together. As the children
grew older, they spent more and more time with me and when unemployment struck,
I was glad to be able to offer day-time viewing to take your mind off your problems,
You even began to watch me in the morning before work or college, instead of
listening to the radio. Soon I became a continual presence in your lives and even if
you were doing other things you would have me on in the background 'for comfort’.
In the rare occasions when you were all out of the house at the same time, you left me
on 'to scare away the burglars'.

I believed I had a place of importance within this family, but events in the recent
months have had a dramatic effect on our relationship. It goes back to the heart
attack incident six months ago. They said you suffered from a serious lack of exercise
and that you were overweight. I heard the student paramedic call you a ‘couch
potato’. I didn’t know what it meant, but it sounded derogatory. Then, when you
came out of hospital, I saw less and less of you, as you started to leave the house more.
You began to do other things, even exercise and cooking and reading books, You
talked to each other for hours on end and didn’t even think of me. Now I hardly ever
see you. You go dancing or walking, or to the cinema or to your yoga classes. You
don't even put me on for the burglars any more. You look different as well; you’ve lost
weight and you laugh a lot more, But what about me? I heard you talking about
putting me away this week and now I hear you’re going to advertise me in the
Gazette. Like a common electrical appliance! The shame of it, I can only hope that I
go to a family who will cherish me and spend time with me as you once used to do, I
can offer so much more these days, with continuous viewing and special events. I
don’t know where I went wrong with you. You said there was more to life than
television and that you were going to start living, I'm sure there are millions of
people out there who find the idea of a life without television to be an unbearable
notion. I hope that you find me a good home with people who do not suffer from
such unreasonable ideas.

Your faithful companion,
Television